A twist

Matt

...the approximate number of mosquitos in the Pakistani town of Kunri in early fall. Like a good sidekick, he walked down the limb he was on to his dear Shan and told him his revelation. Shan's attention, however, was elsewhere. You see, a collision at speed of 1 billion miles per hour (which is only possible because Todd is writing this story) has some dramatic effects on the environment. 1 billion miles per hour is actually slightly faster than the speed of light. So for less than a millisecond dear dummy barbjohn was travelling faster than light itself (this is, of course, impossible). Within this split-millisecond a largish force field was erected around barbjohn (this is, of course, impossible). Within this forcefield, as per Einstien's theories and such, time slowed down to a crawl. From Shan's, barbjohn's, and the funny bird/mammel critter's point of view, the trip and collision took practically no time at all. But from the rest of the world's perspective, the trip took thousands of years because they we outside of this outlandish and rather improbable forcefield. So by the time the massive explosion struck the tree, mankind had achive self-actualization and had created for themselves a perfect, peaceful, prosperous and pleasurable society in which all were healthly, wealthy and wise. This massive explosion, however, managed to destroy everything outside the cute little forcefield within a million mile radius. So the entire planet was destroyed and the tree and it's occupants were sent flying out into the dark empty reccesses of space. Shan tried to explain all this to barbjohn and rebuke him soundly for his meddling with quantum physics. By the time barbjohn had enough sense to pretend he had figured it out they noticed that there was a large round planet-like thing in their flight path. Shan began barking orders to the crew, not that there was any crew or flight controls for the crew to use, but mainly because it felt like the right thing to do. They began to brace themselves for a crash landing on this strange, and probably out-landish land.

Barbjohn to the Rescue!

Todd

Noseless, Tear-ductless, and friendless, Barbjohn resolved himself to squint up the tree with a vitality which only comes at this exact point in the story. In the distance, and engaged in intense hand-to-hand combat with what appeared to be a cross between a duck and a meerkat, Shan was slowly being backed off the edge of a limb on the tree. Gathering up his courage, and his jet-pack, which he purchased at a thrift shop from What's Her Face for $5.21, tax included, Barbjohn hit the shiny red button, which he had installed for an extra 6 cents, and propelled himself into the first branch on the tree at close to the speed of sound. Needless to say once Barbjohn could hear again, he resolved to push the shiny yellow button, which is programmed to propel the user automatically to the nearest Shan. Paused in the middle of their deadly duo, and eyeing eachother ostentatiously, Shan and the duck/meerkat cocked their heads at exactly the same time, and at exactly the same angle (47 degeres) to hear the soft classical music which the engine of the jet-pack created slowly growing louder. And since duck's/meerkats despise classical music (as any good woodlander knows), this particular composition by Bach assaulted his ears in such a way so he disengaged his fight and fled up the tree. Unfortunately for somebody, the duck/meerkat was also named Shan, and when the flying Barb-John careened up the tree the engine decided to target the duck/meerkat (whom we will now refer to as his proper name Duckmeerkatus). Barbjohn impacted with Duckmeerkatus at approximately 1 billion miles per hour, which is possible because I'm writing the story, creating a deafening explosion and a tremendous fallout of feathers, teeth and Bach. When Barbjohn came to, Shan was shaking him violently. Before passing out again, Barbjohn's eyes locked on the tree trunk, which displayed in Times New Roman font 43.5: Level 1 Billion 4 Thousand and Three. All Barbjohn could recall about that number was it had something to do with...

Barbjohn's new friend

After waiting a few moments wracked with intense pain, barbjohn did the first thing that came to his poor scrambeled mind; he picked up the rusty pitchfork and began to brush his hair using short, brisk, strokes. Thus engaged, he began to relay the situation over in his head "I'm really in no place to be doing anything, not only am I an invalid, but I just fell from a 900 storey tree, and not only that but I'm an invalid (barbjohn's reasoning tended to be rather circular at times.) So sighing to himself he began to cry (tearless crying of course since barbjohn lacked tear ducts as well.) Hearing his cries afar off a sad, little, puppy came to investigate the matter, upon seeing the poor creature moaning in the hay, the sad, little puppy went over and placed his paw on Barbjohn's knee. He looked up and saw the little animal and queried "will you be my friend?" Well, with a knowing smile and a flick of the tail, the little puppy bit of Barbjohn's nose and trotted off into the sunset.